Grief is the very natural response to the loss of a significant person or thing from our life. Grief takes time, and the length of time is different for everyone as they move through the process. Our brochure The Process of Grief elaborates on this point. Click here to download a copy.

Death is the loss which most often causes intense emotional pain and many other different responses. Often the cause of the death brings with it its own complexities. An example of this is when death occurs through a completed suicide. Our brochure Surviving Suicide gently outlines some helpful ways to cope with this devastating event. Click here to download a copy.

Perhaps when we are grieving we find ourselves behaving in ways which surprise us and/or others. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. There are many reasons which influence our responses. Our information sheet Factors Influencing Grief Responses may assist in understanding your own feelings and/or those of family members and friends.

A significant factor which influences our responses is our age at the time of the loss. Children develop over a period of years in their ability to grasp concepts such as time and the permanency of death. Our brochure Children and Death offers a concise overview of this development of understanding which will assist parents, teachers, caregivers and others who support grieving children. Click here to download a copy.

Sometimes, in life, we experience losses which are not recognised publicly and therefore we do not receive the support we need. Our information sheet Grief Can Come in Many Forms and at Many Times acknowledges this fact, and offers insights into what an individual may be dealing with privately.

What can I say to help someone who is grieving? A very commonly asked question. Our information sheet Some Helpful Suggestions will assist you to give the quality of help you wish to offer.
Factors Influencing Grief Responses

In each situation in which an individual (or group) experiences a loss, the responses may differ greatly from previous responses to similar losses.

No two losses are the same. No two relationships are the same. No two points in time are the same. Many factors vary, and so our grief responses vary also.

When thinking of how a person is grieving (or how we are ourselves, grieving) consider the following factors that are in place NOW that may not have been in place in the past at a time of significant loss.

Current health situation
Relationship with person who has died/thing which has been lost
Age of person grieving
Previous experience of grief
Cultural background
Belief system
Financial situation
Knowledge around cause of loss/death
Personality
Concurrent losses/changes occurring
Support systems – family/friends/community
Cause of death (i.e. expected or not expected)
Expectation of death
Recognition of loss by others (i.e. disenfranchised grief)
Social ‘acceptability’ of cause of death
Social ‘acceptability’ of relationship of bereaved to deceased
Ability to communicate feelings
Language levels
There are many other factors also. It can assist us, when supporting others, to recognise the cumulative effect of changes and transitions in a person’s life journey.

A major loss rarely occurs in isolation, and to be capable of assessing the overall impact of grief on an individual is one of the first steps to appropriate support.

Grief Can Come in Many Forms
Anticipatory Grief

This grief is the response to the knowledge that a change or transition will almost inevitably occur which will bring losses with it.

Some examples may be: diagnosis of an illness or disability; knowledge or fear that a job is to be lost; recognition that a relationship is breaking down and may end in separation and or divorce; moving house; moving school; children will be leaving home; news of war; marriage of children.

Often the changes that are anticipated are not known to others and therefore the normal grief responses are misunderstood by those witnessing them.

Complicated Grief

This grief is not able to be expressed at the time a loss occurs. It is repressed grief. Usually external events and responsibilities disallow the opportunity for the expression of grief. It is put ‘on hold’.

Some examples may be: the grief felt at the death of a spouse or a divorce when family responsibilities must be attended to, children cared for, and the like; the grief felt at leaving a homeland as experienced by migrants, refugees and asylum seekers when survival in a new land prohibits expression of loss; the grief felt when a baby is stillborn or miscarried and the parent’s grief is minimised by those around them.

Disenfranchised Grief

This grief is felt when the loss is not recognised by others and/or is not acknowledged through any public ritual or ceremony.

Some examples of this may be: when a secret love affair ends; when a baby is relinquished for adoption; when sexual abuse, rape or domestic violence is experienced; when a dream is unrealised; infertility; miscarriage; when teenagers experience the break up of a relationship, and the like.

Nonfinite Grief

This grief is an ongoing sense of loss which can become more intense from time to time.

Some examples of this may be: the grief felt by parents of a child with a disability; grief experienced by a Carer of a family member or friend; the grief experienced by those long-term unemployed.

Each of these categories of grief is often private and felt in isolation. ‘Triggers’ may occur to cause a renewal on intensity of grief throughout the individual’s life-time. Their responses to the grief may often be unrecognised by those around them and their behaviour seen as ‘inexplicable’.

These triggers may be as simple as a date on a calendar, hearing a certain piece of music, smelling some particular type of food, holding a flower, observing a child at play, watching a movie, seeing an item on the news on TV, receiving an invitation to a wedding or birthday party or similar activities or events from daily life.

Some Helpful Suggestions About Responding to People Who Experience Loss & Grief
This is not meant to be an exhaustive list but rather a list of some suggestions that may be appropriate “some of the time in some situations”.

1. Let the person talk about what has happened. Learn what the loss means for them.

2. Be a good listening ear. Ask open-ended questions. Reflect their words back to them.

3. Try to understand if the loss is an isolated single event or part of a chain of losses.

4. Explore the relationship of this loss to other losses they have experienced. How have they dealt with their losses? What have they learned about themselves from other losses?

5. Recognise the intensity of feelings that can arise from any loss that has significance for the person experiencing that loss.

6. Allow time.

7. Try to identify and label the feelings that are there.

8. Suggest and explore creative ways of externalising the feelings and reactions to the loss.

9. Understand that exploration of “the new self” is rather like living through adolescence all over again.

10. Try to retain as many safe and secure regions as possible.

11. Explore available resource people, organisations and activities and identify their location.

12. Support those who are in turn acting in a supportive role for the person or group you are assisting.

13. Remember the need for practical support to assist day to day living.

14. Encourage all people affected by the loss to interact when they are ready and able to do so.

15. Be aware of the changing range of responses into the future.

16. Provide adequate and appropriate information to each individual involved at a level they can understand. Explain issues carefully. Never assume understanding.

17. Encourage sharing with others who have “been there done that” but who also have moved forward creatively.

18. Explore internal resources and identify and label those same resources.

19. Remember that maturation may raise new issues to be dealt with in the future or the need for issues to be dealt with in a new way.

20. Try to avoid using clichés and neat solutions.

21. Don’t ever abuse trust or confidentiality. If words spoken in confidence need to be passed on address that issue directly with the person you are working with.

22. Be prepared to take risks acknowledging the possible consequences. Ask permission to plunge in where there is a potential for risk taking.

23. Be sensitive to the likely “triggers” and special occasions that will arise and if appropriate be there at the confrontation time.

24. Be there but give space.

25. Explore defences and coping styles that may be unhelpful and affirm behaviour that is appropriate. Encourage and reassure.

Children & Death
Death is possibly the most difficult event for children to understand and respond to. Nothing has prepared them for it, and depending on their age and stage of conceptual development it may be literally impossible to take in.

Each child will grieve differently, at different times and in different ways. Often the reality (and permanence) of the death isn’t realised until the child develops and grows older. It is not unusual – as an example – for a three year old to appear to take a death ‘in their stride’ and then some years later show signs of grief when they come to understand concepts such as time and ‘forever’.

As adults we can assist young ones by speaking openly and factually about the issues and also be joining them in reading or looking at picture books which cover the topics. There are many beautifully illustrated and sensitively written books which we would recommend could be shared with children even before they experience the death of someone for whom they care. As with any life experience, if we can discuss death and learn about it before being confronted with its reality we are much better equipped, and can experience less anxiety and fear.

For more information about the responses of children and how to best assist them click here to download Rose Chapel Funerals brochure ‘Children and Death’ which can be requested by emailing info@rosechapelfuneral.com.au or telephone (07) 4153 3301.